Does Tough Love Work Today? Case Study.
Being someone who grew up in the “old school” ways of being an athlete, we were coached tough. Coaches challenged our manhood. Considering most of our coaches were sons of the Greatest Generation and the world had been a little tougher for those guys, we were the receivers of tough love as athletes.
The common challenge was in the demeaning form, usually of “I know little girls tougher than you.” Of course, I did too, but being the time and place of the early 80’s, this type of challenge was a challenge to our manhood! There would be a “Come on, Boy, you are dirt terrible!” Every comment was a put-down and challenge of some kind. And shoot our answer was, “Hell No! I’ll show you! I ain’t no wuss!”
Once I got into coaching, I had worked away from the personal insults to motivate the young men I coached. Mental motivational warfare had been taken to a new level. A lot more carrot with a well-timed stick, except the stick had taken a new form. We couldn’t treat the players like we had been treated and to be honest, for the right reasons.
Gameday and we were playing our arch-rival. In my opinion, we had the better team coming into the week, and the team had had a great week of practice. But we couldn’t do anything right. The boys were off task and out of focus. Plays were being run wrong. Tackles were being missed. I was hot! Grrrr.. The poor play was purely mental. I couldn’t wait to have time to stop the bleeding. This team needed halftime.
Ok, now what is the psychology of the moment? As a coaching staff, we have always used halftime to regroup. The players would be left to themselves, and the trainers would work with them on any bumps and dings. They would get water, talk amongst themselves about the game, and refuel up. The coaches would go into the hall and devise a plan for the next half while figuring out what needs to be repaired or game planned for the second half.
I decided to try something different. A change in motivational tactics was needed. I decided to get after them using old school methods. We, as a staff agreed I would walk in and yell about how bad they were playing, get after them, and challenge their manhood. I came in firing and yelling and using some language not really suitable for the situation. I went completely negative, telling them how bad they were at football. I wanted impact. Shock and awe. I threw a football in the locker room for effect. I insulted and challenged their manhood.
As we went as a staff into the hall to get a little game planning in, we heard the boys yelling at each other to play harder. I thought the desired effect was working. Passion! They were going to come out the second half spitting fire!
The third quarter starts, and the play gets…… worse! No Way! I am sitting thinking this can’t be happening. One series, then another. What?! No!!! Now, what do I do? We can’t lose to our arch-rival. Not like this. I mean they are playing up to the challenge, and we aren’t. Grrr…..
Timeout! I call the whole team in, and I mean everyone. Usually, I went out to the players on the field, but I wanted everyone’s attention. Very calmly, I told them to forget about what happened in the locker room at halftime. I flipped to the positive. Told them about the good plays they were making and to dig deep and find a way. The talk was running long, and the ref told me I was out of time. Timeout, again. Yep, I burned two timeouts to get this message across. I said to them I believed in them and that they were great football players. Just go beat the man across from you. I became a cheerleader. I urged all of them to have a part, be vocal, play fearless. You can win!! Let’s Go!! Everything I said was positive and encouraging.
Guess what? The players settled down. They made plays. We got stops on defense. Guys were playing for each other with enthusiasm! They were fearless. The effort was off the charts. We were down fourteen points. Then 7. Then we were tied. We needed another stop. Got it! We Needed to score. Score! Winner!!
After much reflection about the experience as a manager and a coach, I realized this generation is different. This generation didn’t grow up with people putting them down and making them feel like they had to prove how good they really are with “I’ll show you.” Instead, I could see them say in their mind… “I suck? How do I suck? Why did he tell me I suck? I guess I am not good at what I am doing.” They were thinking about the situation versus reacting to the situation. Instead, the conversation is, ” I didn’t do anything wrong.” “You are at fault, not me.” Denial. Denial becomes Doubt. Doubt stops the mind from relying on the training the person had received to do their job properly.
After many years of coaching and managing people, especially young people, what you say to them is important. And even more important is how you say whatever say. Tone matters. Today’s generation wants and responds to teaching. So teach. If there is a positive, start with the positive in the conversation. Then, point out subtly what was done incorrectly and how to make the wrong a right. Always know you will be challenged about what they did incorrectly, be prepared to back up the reason, or they will go away doubting your leadership. If you say, “just because, or it’s my way that’s why,” then know the situation will go unresolved. You might think the situation is over, but your student, player, or employee does not. How do you want the conversation to end? You have to manipulate how the conversation ends and have an understanding in the end, or nothing will be accomplished, and your leadership will be in question thereafter.
